Yesterday, When I was Young

家裡整修房子，VB所有的「文物」全部裝箱 – VB的「收藏」乏善可陳，包括CD書籍筆記論文還有十數本旅遊雜誌居然仍填不滿兩個小紙箱。即使如此，要不是藉此機會「大掃除」，還真不知道這些東西的下落。

翻開唯一的「心情記事」，雖然是N年前所寫，卻也挺符合這個秋天的心情，由此證明：這些年來，實在沒啥長進！

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
*有一種極清極淡的心情，一點點的悲愁 （mélancolique） ，但也許是這麼一點點，才使得心情是心情吧。奔走人生，有多久沒能放慢腳步，看雲海聽松濤，能夠享受這點 mélancolique 也算是奢求了。

*「去國十年，老盡少年心。」誰說非得去國十年，而老去的又豈僅僅是少年心而已？九月就這樣抵達洛城。過了中秋，山裡該是滿眼秋色了吧。黃昏的陽光將天際染上極度的終盡的燦爛，連雲也不得不憂鬱了。

*知與不知的差別就在痛苦的程度，而痛苦與否也在知與不知之間吧。

*想平靜的寫一首詩，關於這極清極淡的心情，才驚覺寫這種心情太難。也許是曾經不顧一切的相信年輕的夢、夢裡的誓言、與不能實現的誓言裡不能當真的愛情；也許是面對時光流轉裡所浮現的殘夢與已經蒼老的執著。

*淚水的盡頭是無法分析的情緒。如今我已不流淚了，是到了盡頭，還是沒了心緒？

*不是嗎？任何事情無論巨細，都必須以某種代價去換：負了人的與被負了的，欠了情的與被欠了的。

*當你發現，長久以來一直認為獨一無二的感受只不過是別人曾經滄海的重複，生命裡好像沒有什麼是值得不顧一切的珍惜的了。悲哀嗎？何嘗不是一種解脫：不必再獨自咀嚼這種難以理解的哀傷。

*啊！昨日當我年輕時

Words & Music by Charles Asnavour
English Lyrics by Herbert Kretzmer

Yesterday when I was young,
The taste of life was sweet like rain upon my tongue.
I teased at life as if it were a foolish game
The way an evening breeze would tease a candle flame.

The thousand dreams I dreamed, the splendid things I planned.
I always built to last on weak and shifting sand.
I lived by night and shunned the naked light of day
And only now I see how the years have run away.

Yesterday when I was young,
There were so many songs that waited to be sung.
So many wild pleasures that lay in store for me
And so much pain my dazzled eyes refused to see.

I ran so fast in time and youth at last ran out.
I never stopped to think what life was all about.
And every conversation that I can now recall
Concerned itself with me and nothing else at all.

Yesterday the moon was blue
And every crazy day brought something new to do.
I used my magic age as if it were a wand
And never saw all the waste and emptiness beyond.

The game of love I played with arrogance and pride
And every flame I lit too quickly, quickly died.
The friends I made all seemed somehow to drift away
And only I am left on stage to end the play.

There are so many songs in me that won't be sung,
'Cause I feel the bitter taste of tears upon my tongue.
And the time has come for me to pay for Yesterday
When I was Young.

昨日當我年輕時
生命的滋味就像舌尖所品嘗的甘霖般甜美
我嘲弄生命如同一場愚昧的遊戲
就像向晚的微風恣意的嘲弄著燭火的微光
曾經擁有過一千個瑰麗的夢想
曾經思量過一千個璀璨的計畫
我常常將他們建築在軟弱而快速消逝的流沙上
我活在夜的黑暗裡
避開白日赤裸而真實的光
如今終於發現日子是怎樣的飛馳而逝

昨日當我年輕時
多少快樂的歌曲等著我歡唱
多少任性的樂趣為了我存留
多少艱澀的痛楚是我早已迷眩的雙眼拒絕接受
我在時光中疾劇的奔跑
但青春終究是所賸無多
我從未曾駐足思索人生到底是什麼
而現在所能憶起關於人生的所有對話
僅僅關係著自己除此以外別無所有

昨日的月藍得如此憂鬱
每一個瘋狂的日子裡都有新的刺激
我揮灑著年輕如同揮舞一支予求予允的魔棒
從不曾想過揮霍的假象與背後的空虛
以傲慢與驕矜的姿態我恣意的玩著愛情的遊戲
而每一盞輕易燃亮的燭火熄滅亦如此輕易
所有曾經以為能夠地久天長的朋友
不知為什麼全數飄然而去
祇留下我一人在人生的舞台上
演完這齣孤獨的劇

在我的心底有無數的歌將永不被吟唱
因我的舌尖已經感受到淚水的苦澀
而為昨日付出代價的時刻也已悄然飄至 --
昨日當我年輕時